Introvert

I'm able to do a lot of things alone. My dad and I have that in common. I prefer going to the gym alone with my ipod where I can just exert my energy at my own pace and be in my own world. I visit the library and sit there with a magazine alone. I've gone to the movie theater alone. I go to the skatepark alone. I go selling alone. Last night was one of those rare freak accidents where I fell asleep at a decent hour and so this morning I woke up at a decent hour. It was 7am and I decided to go get breakfast somewhere I hadn't before, alone. I went to Einstein's bagels in Bountiful. I got a ham and swiss panini sandwich with a small coffee. coffee alters my thought patterns. I'm in the heart of commercial Bountiful and I think about people I know and knew that live here. Lauren came to mind.
I think about all the hook-ups I've had that I don't really think about or care about now. I think about Lauren and how during the brief glimpse of time we had together gives me a reason to think things over, to pivot myself into making better choices and being cautious to not fall into any traps later on in life. She's married now to her missionary and I couldn't be happier for her. She always told me how pointless it was to just kiss for fun because we both knew it wasn't going anywhere and so it was meaningless. I didn't really care, I just liked her. She made it clear to me her heart belonged to Braden, her now Husband as of a month or so ago. Although it was mostly unrequited, I remember how content and at peace I was with everything in my life at that time. She was very spiritual, conservative, and traditional. Things that some would argue are polar opposites of me. She was so proud and sure of where she was heading you just had this secure feeling being around her, like you were home. I think about all the ambitions I've had over the last 2 years since then and how empty and shallow they've been. Low-road, worldly ambitions. She was all about family, her faith, learning, and working. Things that contribute to a healthy Peace of Mind, a state that most would agree as True Happiness. Some things I've been all about have been money, power, sex, and a "good time". Things that pretty much go against everything I was raised upon as a Mormon. I've always thought things like that were 'normal'. I wanted to be 'of the world'. I simply wanted to have fun. This slowly, ever so slowly, changed me over time in a way I'm not sure I'm happy with.

I don't think I'll ever be a fully active Mormon again. I'm 99.9 % percent sure it's a belief that helps people live organized lives and gives them comfort, and that's wonderful. I don't believe in the supernatural concepts and dogma behind it all. It's too far from reality and science for me to accept.

I want to find someone that I truly care about. Someone that inspires me to live a better life. A new worthy objective to strive towards. For a while I've had the strategy to 'diversify my portfolio' of current girls I like. Not putting all my eggs in one basket. From now on it's one girl at a time. just-me-and-you. Just me, and you. I have a number of friends that would laugh and make fun of me for writing all this but whatever. haha. I'm just being honest.